wonks can rope steers too.

A cowboy resides in each of us, but most manage to tone it down to the occasional merry-go-round ride. However, there are those among us who have given into the urge. By day they appear to be ordinary members of the populace. Then, night comes and they go into a phone booth and emerge, Clark Kent-style, sporting chaps, spurs, and a ten-gallon hat. I was recently lucky enough to come into contact with one such man. Our meeting was brief but it still made an impression. He was buying his lunch at Whole Foods, but next to the sandwich and the drink were two bars of soap. They said "URBAN COWBOY" in "dusk" scent. In that moment I understood who he really is. He is a man of the wide-open spaces, or in D.C. terms wide-open traffic triangles. It's hidden, but it's still there, suppressed under his calm demeanor and plain polo shirt. It's there, quietly waiting until he can turn on the shower, reach for his bar of soap, take a good whiff, and remember who he truly is.

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Yet another post on why the french have bigger brains

as the bridesmaid it is my duty to tell you that my computer is in love. as you can probably tell from the card, it's a mac, but he has realized that her PC-ness is just one of the many amazing things that make her who she is. They met, obviously, over the internet, and it was love at first web-site. Even though the happy couple is not yet married they have picked out a lovely desk that they, and hopefully lots of little motherboards, can share. l'amour l'amour, toujours l'amour

I think that the above card, written by yours truly only serves to further my argument that the French have bigger brains. Who else would be socially conscious enough to create an e-card especially for computers? The rest of the world has ignored this rapidly growing ethnic minority,but not the French. the U.S. should follow their example because inanimate objects, like rainbows and coconuts and parking meters and computers, deserve to be represented too. They have a voice, let it be heard! Power to the objects!!!

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Skymall Magazines, all I can say is WHY?

most of my time spent on airplanes is spent looking through the magazines and pondering why on earth anyone would want a sumo wrestler table lamp, or a fish tank coffee table, or a case with golf balls in it from all the premier golf courses. Skymall magazines are the infomercials of magazines. They take items that no one in their right mind would buy and entice you into purchasing them by taking you out of your right mind, either by stuffing their add with endless testimonials and " super special" deals, or by stuffing them with shots of over-tanned and over-bleached models who attained their perfect looks by using the product. Thats right, before they used the have-a-body-like-a-highly-muscled-skeleton-exercise-a-tron they were normal people, just like you! I think that airline magazines are the U.S. patent office's sideline business. "here we have a patent for a razor that doubles as a nose hair clipper that doubles as an insect repellent. You want it?" And that, ladies and gentalmen, is the secret behind the magazine.

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Peppermints, food of knowledge

The newest innovation in education is... PEPPERMINTS! Yes, peppermints. You thought they were a humble food, the common fodder of restaurant maitre de stands and reception desks. Well, you were wrong. little did you know as you absentmindedly sucked on one that you were sucking on a piece of standardized testing history. Many middles school principals are now ordering them for the students because it is rumored that they posses magical ability to boost test scores. So here are my thoughts, whether you want to listen, actually its more like read, to them or not.

• Eastern must be really desperate to do well on the MSA if they are really going to place all their hopes in a nugget of solidified sugar-water.
  

• Wouldn't it be more appropriate to spend money on books? No wait, books corrupt our young minds, whereas candy only corrupts our teeth.
  

• If it is appropriate to spend money on candy because it furthers our test scores wouldn't it also be appropriate to replace those hard little chairs that were designed for perfectly straight-backed and flat-bottomed aliens with deluxe massage chairs. I mean, massage chairs would help us relax and therefore...uh... help us absorb information faster. and if we can have massage chairs, why stop there. why not turn the whole school into a sate of the art educational amusement park. All the class rooms would be rides or games, there would of course be some educational value (" the reason your water gun hits the enemy target is that a force is being exerted upon it. Can anyone name the force?" " yes, its the force of DESTRUCTION, die mutant scum DIE." "actually the answer i was looking for was.. no johnny don't point that water gun at me." "SQUIRT" "JOHNNY, THIS MEANS DETENTION!").

• C=Candy (peppermints) K=Kids T=Teacher TT=Traumatized Teacher S=huge Sugar high: C+K=S S+T=TT. (Hows that for an algebra problem.) I really do feel sorry for the teachers who will have to deal with the hyper kids, they should b=receive compensation for emotional damage while on the job.
  
• Aren't we creating an addiction in our kids. By constantly fueling their need for sugar, with the peppermints, we turn this idle craving into a desperate need. Candy stores barricade your doors, here come the class of 2007!
  

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a sugar rush, cavity, and boosted test score. ALL IN ONE!

P.S. link to the washingtonpost story will come later

Angelina +maddox+ Brad+ zahara+ shilo+pax=?

that well know combination Brangelina has recently ventured to Vietnam to adopt a fourth child, little Pax Thien Jolie. Why? i have no idea, but as usual i have several theories, and, as usual, i will share them with you, my adoring public.

• Hollywood's newest promotion deal: adopt a kid from these five countries and win a front page spot in these five tabloids! even a serious celebrity like Angelina couldn't resist a deal like that, in fact collecting kids has now become her hobby. So keep on going going Angelina, one more kid and its page 1 for you.
• Its the latest souvenir craze: why bring back a mass produced chotchke when you can have your own one-of-a-kind toddler! available in orphanages everywhere! As an added bonus the toddlers are also your own mannequins, to be dressed in whatever haute couture you choose.
• studies have shown that when media coverage is flagging the quickest way to boost it is to have a baby. however, if post-birth weight gain is a concern you can just adopt one.
• Their adoption of a baby is just another way that they are trying to politically active. the new baby will mean that they will have to hire more nannies, drivers, diaper-changers, baby-food mixers etc. The creation of this entourage will mean the creation of thousands of new jobs, and therefore revitalize the economy. How's that for politically active.
  

Disclaimer: i do support Brangelina's advocacy on behalf of under privileged countries but their whirlwind adoptions just beg to be made fun of. But at least because use of their actions a few more children will be able to experience having their own team of servants. sorry, that just slipped out, i really do support them. Really.

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the eyesores of Washington

If anyone hasn't taken a recent look at the departments of education's building i suggest that they keep right on not looking. the reason that i am so strongly in favor of ignoring this building is that it is just plain ugly. from behind and from the sides it appears to be your standard issue government building. Then, you reach the front. Protruding from the doors are these ugly little red "school houses". Each "school house" (they shall hereafter be referred to as the eyesores) has a sign on it saying "no child left behind". These are quite simply the ugliest things in Washington. In order to remedy the problem i suggest three easy steps-

• REVENGE. An act this heinous requires a very good punishment. a suitable punishment would be making the person responsible for the eyesores sit and look at them all day long. they should also be required to tell each passerby that they are sorry for the ugliness that they have inflicted upon the general population.

• TEAR DOWN. Tear down the eyesores and let the tastefulness of the building shine through. The tearing should be a public ceremony, preferably with apologies from the people who let this happen, there should also be celebratory music when the demolition is complete.

• LABEL SLAP. we should follow the example of whoever came up with the idea of putting up the no child left behind signs and express ourselves by slapping a label on something. only our label should say "no child left untested", and it should be slapped on the presidents forehead

one of the eyesores

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'tis the season for my annual MSA rant (I promise that this is different from the MSA pep rally rant.)

unfortunately the rant is to long for me to type so i will let this website say it all (it will probably also say it better.) So I will instead just give a few quotes (okay, its more like a lot of quotes, but they're still good.)-

• "It looked like Trivial Pursuit to me." Tina Yalen, Virginia teacher after SOL exams
• "Believing we can improve schooling with more tests is like believing you can make yourself grow taller by measuring your height." Robert Schaeffer of FairTest
• "We could prohibit lunch, or take their shoes." Calvin Trillin, The Nation, on what to do to help kids score better
• "Standardized tests equal standardized students" Amanda Parsons, a sophomore from Boulder, CO wearing red arm bands and a student ID sticker number 142337 at a protest of nearly 200 students
• "If more testing were the answer to the problems in our schools, testing would have solved them a long time ago." Bill Goodling, chair of House Education Committee
• "Only on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' can people rise to the top by rote memorization and answers to multiple-choice questions. The FINAL ANSWER to improving education is more than memorizing facts for a multiple-choice test. Children today need critical thinking skills, creativity, perseverance, and integrity - qualities not measure on a standardized test." Dr. Paul Houston
• "Standardized tests can't measure initiative, creativity, imagination, conceptual thinking, curiosity, effort, irony, judgment, commitment, nuance, good will, ethical reflection, or a host of other valuable dispositions and attributes. What they can measure and count are isolated skills, specific facts and function, the least interesting and least significant aspects of learning." Bill Ayers
• "You're a wonderful human being, but the tests don't show it." Educator Chuck Lavaroni to Gilbert Medeiros after telling him he shouldn't plan to go to college as a result of his test scores. Chuck later met Gilbert at a party in Marin County, only to hear that Gilbert got a law degree, worked as vice president for a large real estate firm, owned and ran 5 different companies

In closing, go to the website, read the material, print out some fliers, get involved.

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on the neurology of the french

As I have said before and will probably say again (and again, and again, and again...) Europeans have bigger brains that us. How, you ask, do I know this? well, they have to have bigger brains in order to remember all the feminines and masculines and different conjugations. (I also know that they have bigger brains because they didn't elect a president who entered a war without UN support to save his own skin, and, as an afterthought, the Iraqis.)

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VS

our brain Their brain

you know that your family is special when...

You know that your family is special when... club penguin turns into a group event.

My whole family has gotten involved in little-sister-dearest's quest to tip the iceberg in club-penguin-land . (it is fabled that this event will reward all its participants with 5,000 coins.) mom hovers around offering tips on being persuasive (tell them that they will get 5,000 coins), dad advises on how the laws of physics can be applied (if you want to tip it you have to shift the mass as a group), and sissie explains the complex culture, customs, and social hierarchy of Club Penguin(this is how you make your penguin dance). (In case anyone wonders, I am desperately watering my computer animated fake flowers in an attempt to make them bloom.)

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P.S. for no good reason I am including a conversation that occurred while I was watching club penguin (this is all exactly as it was written, including spelling mistakes!)
a penguin perched on the edge of the iceberg: I am going to commit suiside.
another penguin: who cares?

YAY YAY, IT'S THE MSA!!!!!!

you know what time it is, it's time for your friendly neighborhood MSA pep rally!!!!!!!! for those of you that are lucky,I mean unfortunate, enough to not know what this is let me horrify, I mean explain it to, you. This a brand new tradition in the Montgomery County Public schools where people, dance, cheer, and pretend that they are exited about taking a test that emphasizes rote memorization over actual thinking. some schools have had students make signs, prepare presentations, and have adults come on stage in various forms of dress-up. I have some questions for the people who are advocating these pep rallies-

• Why are you going to spend the money for the afore-mentioned costumes, props, and supplies when the money is needed to by things like balls for recess and art supplies. woopsies, I forgot that you don't do art or recess anymore because children should spend all day memorizing pointless facts. Time=higher test scores=funding=even better test scores=promotions.
• instead of taking the time to have the pep rally, make the signs, and prepare the presentations why don't you let the kids do something creative that actually challenges them. Sorry, I forgot again, you don't do creativity. if anything is going to stay the least bit from he test it must be MSA related because yet again time=higher test scores=funding= even better test scores=promotions.

a scene from the pep rally in a prince Georges county school

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Sprite

Todays topic, because I am a pre-teen and all I can think about is soda and sugar, and also because I can't think of anything better, is sprite

• Would sprite still taste as good without the bubbles? I don't thinks so. without the bubbles sprite would just be another drink, the bubbles give it that oomph (or in this case fizz).

• Does new label sprite taste as good as the old label sprite? until recently i couldn't taste the difference, but I recently had an epiphany. the new sprite has certain acidic undertones that the old one didn't, and on the wheel of sprite tasting (sprite is to kids what wine is to grown-ups) the smell is fresher and less weighed down with sticky aromas. But then again, I could just be imagining the whole thing, in fact I probably am. for a proper opinion on the subject one would have to ask my friend fifi2. fifi2 is a true connoisseur who has been know to drink 6 cans of sprite in one sitting.
  

New label sprite old label sprite

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status messagess

as you may be aware gmail lets you come up with your own status message. I thought that some of them were just dying to be posted, and today I have nothing better to write about, so here they are. ( of course i want to protect my friends from creepy stalker people so i will be using fake names. friend one will be fifi2, fifi one is my pet marshian. My second friend will be named tinkerbelle2, i don't think that i need to explain who tinkerbelle one is.)

• tinkerbelle2's new status message - I think that actually, moon pies are from SATURN'S moons, not earth's. and besides, who thought to call it a moon anyway?? It sounds like this big rock is flashing Earth its butt or something!!! And that's just NOT RIGHT!

• fifi2's new status message - here. It's a status message. If only i could make it longer, that way i could beat tinkerbelle2's uber long message about pie or sumthing. I like pie. I lie a lot, i lie and i cry a lot, pie a lot, cry a lotttttttt 4:39 PM

• tinkerbelle2's new status message - fifi2 is totally ripping me off by stealing my long status messages. This is wrong because fifi2 is just jealous of me and my amazing...um...foot! It is a very pretty foot and she has told me so before. I know my foot is pretty but i dont have to let others know im jealous of them

• theauthor's new status message is - tinkerbelle2 and and fifi2's long status messages are starting to creep me out. i mean, its a status message, not a book. but tinkerbelle2 and fifi2 apperantly are trying to write a book. if they did write a book i wonder what it would be called, probably something like "why emo flute players rock", or something weird like that. to go back to a previous point a status message should be a breif and consice summing up of what you are doing and how much it sucks, for example mine should be : waiting for the UPS dude, it really sucks

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the germans and scooter libby, is there a connection

I am listening to german radio, don't ask why, and for some reason the germans seem to be talking a lot about Scooter Libby. I really can't figure out why, but here are some possible, unconfirmed and almost certainly incorrect, reasons:

1. The germans are wondering how to create huge scandals, something their government has not yet figured out how to do, and they are once again looking to the U.S. for guidance and footsteps to follow in.
2. The german government has recently hired people and given them security clearance without checking how smart they are (maybe they should have first checked the smarts of the person doing the hiring, *cough cough* Dick Cheney *cough cough*, and now they want to know what to do with them when they go trial.
3. The station i am listening to is a comedy station, and the germans find the fact that we elected such and incompetent government and allowed such a thing to happen funny.

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Factoid-of-the-week

Did you know that sauna is supposed to be pronounced sow-na? The only problem with that is that unless you are from the land of saunas (sweden, denmark, the netherlands etc.) you'll sound like a hill-billy Texan (howdy y'all, wanna cum out a see ma sow-na. and then we could go out in ma hummer go aroun' shootin' at defenseless animals with vice president Dickey-boy. But,If he comes shootin' wiv us we'll be sure to have an ambulance standin' by.) So the final verdict is- stick to saw-na, unless you feel the desperate need to correct someone, in which case getting them to say sauna and then gathering people around to laugh at their "simply to to funny pronunciation" is a great idea.

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FLIP FLOPS !!!!!!!!

I am beginning to get the feeling that most library patrons would like to chase out anyone wearing flip-flops with pitchforks and torches. "how", you ask, "would someone get such an impression?" I don't know the exactly what my brain did to give me the impression, but I sure did get it. When I was walking around the library today with my flip-flops (yesterday, march first, officially ushered in slip-flop season) and I kept on getting the (duhn-duhn-duhn-duuuuuuuuuuuuhn) EVIL GLARE OF SHAME! needless to say, no human can exist for long under those conditions, so after a few few tries at browsing in the more heavily populated areas of the library I loudly and obtrusively flip-flopped over to the no-man's land that is the non-fiction and research section and remained there for the remainder of my visit.

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GO GOOGLE

Because I worship google I have come up with a great new cheer. Appropriate times to use this cheer, as loudly as possible, would be when you have just completed any for of google search, when you have checked your g-mail, when you have watched a youtube video, and any other time that you feel the presence of the Google God( of course there is a Google God). Here is the cheer, I am still working on the accompanying dance routine- 2,4,6,8, I think google's just great!

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The potato grenade

If any of you read the article in the kidspost today about the old italian lady who found the hand grenade in the bag of potatoes i think you will agreed that this incident poses some very serious questions.

1. how on earth did the french potato farm worker who dug up the potato not realize that what he holding is not a potato but a hand grenade? i would think that the differences between the two would be quite obvious. here is a potato and a hand grenade.

Don't they look completely different? The fact that french farm workers can't even tell the difference between a potato and a hand grenade speaks volumes in my book.
2. Is it possible that putting the hand grenade in the bag was not a mistake? could the hand grenade have been put there deliberately as part of a top secret plan to get undermine italy by handing out unexploded hand grenades to all of italy's grandmothers and urging them to rise up against the new-fangled government and change things back to the way they were in the good old days? ACCCCCCCCK, I think i will go hide under my bed.

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P.P.S(thanks to http://www.kidzworld.com/img/upload/article/a4386i0_potato-185.jpg for the potato and thanks to
thanks to http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/7f/Hand_Grenade.jpg for the hand grenade)

Troubleshooting

If you are someone who doesn't have a gmail and is having trouble accessing this page please email me. I think i may have to mess with the settings.