Sorry kids, the cookie monster is having a bad day

Does to much optimism make your head hurt, do cheerful people make you grumpy? There may be (fortune cookie related) help for you yet. One fortune cookie company has launched a new line of grouchy cookies. These include cookies saying “It’s over your head now. Time to get some professional help.”

Fortune cookies have always aroused a unique brand of resentment. As long as you carry the slip of paper with you there is the smallest hope that tomorrow will be the day you get promoted. However, when tomorrow dawns, you are inevitably let down. This is probably because the demand for a "large sum of money" or an ambiguous "reward" has far exceeded supply, at least until they can be mass-produced in China.

It is a sign of our jaded society that even the most innocent and fragile delight has been transformed into a vessel of cynicism. But then again, maybe it's a good thing. A good wallow in self-pity inevitably results in a night of reality TV and any food that comes in paper cartons, therefore providing the Chinese food industry with brand loyalty.

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cherry blosson season=invasion of the tourists, a guide for next year

We are sitting in Metro Center a train that has been blocking out view moves out, and behold the sea of tourists! Yes, it's that time of year again, but as long as we have them here why not engage in a little game of tourist spotting.to aid you in your pursuit of this wholesome past-time I have a handy list entitled The Common Attributes Of Tourists.

THE COMMON ATTRIBUTES OF TOURISTS

• They will all stampede towards the middle two metro cars while avoiding the ones on the end like the plague because, as far as they are concerned, the plague is the very thing that the end cars are infested with. (As long as we're on the subject of metros I have a suggestion. The Japanese gave us the trees so, as long as the tree's blossoms are causing this invasion of tourists, why don't they lend us some or their subway-pushers to help deal with the metro-crowding problems that inevitably result. Metro commutes would be so much easier if instead of having hapless bystanders shove people into the cars there were trained professionals to do it.)
• Another sign of a tourist is a map (or guide book) that is being clutched between sweaty fingers while the person to whom the fingers belong deliberates over whether he should get off at La-Font (Le Enfant) plaza or Judi-see-ary (judiciary) square.
• Look for those that are proudly sporting fanny packs. These fashion accessories are a must have for any serious and committed tourist.

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profound thoughts on literature: Jane Eyre

There is the saying "into each life a little rain must fall", it seems that Jane Eyre is in a perpetual monsoon.

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The July 2007 YouTube debate

I think that it is time to hand out some awards.

• John Edwards: Most question avoiding/re-directing. According to him both "how do you define liberal?", "do you believe in paying reparations to the descendants of slaves, and "which republican would you choose as a running mate?" are actually code for "what kind of president does the country need." A: one who will take on "big business", something he just happens to do very well

• Mike Gravel: Best name-calling. He took on Obama with skill that would have made him president of any playground.

• Chris Dodd: best skill at turning a bunch of dead cells into a political credential. It's not just hair, it is a trophy conferred upon him by the celestial forces as a sign of his dedication. But does he or doesn't he? only his image consultant knows for sure.

• Hillary Clinton: best subversive message. Of course it's not about whether she is a woman, or Obama's skin, or Richarson's race. That is because when she is inaugurated a great message will be sent to boys and girls everywhere, and the other people won't matter.

• Dennis Kucinich: best sixties throwback: Peace, dude, it's the only way to go. Not that peace is a bad thing, it just shouldn't be combined with love beads.
  

• Bill Richardson: worst crowd -exciter: His many attempts at inciting applause only resulted in his face getting red. We at least know that he will never be charged with inciting rioting.
  

• Group Award: Best skills with a crystal ball: "When I am president..." is a phrase that is freely tossed about and can be found in abundance. However, you never know, maybe this year will be the first time there will be an eight-way tie for president, but how will they fit all those desks in the oval office.

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pools of the ages

Why do we love water so much? Perhaps it is because it is the original element. Before we were caveman discovering fire, and discovering simultaneously that we were flammable, we lived in pre-historic pools of toxic sludge. Now today’s pools lack that intoxicating combination of carbon monoxide glass and flesh eating acids, but they make up for it with urinary tract byproducts that have been neutralized, if not erased, by enormous quantities of chlorine. So we immerse ourselves in the blue water and steep ourselves in millennia of history. In the end we emerge shriveled and pruned, but with a feeling that maybe things haven’t changed that much. Then we catch sight of the snack bar hawking its icy wares and think that if thing have changed just a little it was probably for the better.

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Wi-fi trumps all

Bob: so how was that new restaurant that you went to?
Joe: Well, later on I threw up the dinner, the wine was vinegar that had the label torn off, I had to take my order to the kitchen because the waiter was engaged in an urgent discussion of kleenex brands, and I caught the valet joyriding in my car, but it did have free wi-fi.
Bob: so i should go?
Joe: Oh yes, definitely!

These are the desperate lengths we will go to to obtain the holy grail of our internet society, free wi-fi. Few have made the journey, and most of them end up stranded in the back rooms and winding passageways of various coffee-shops, until they die from lack of Myspace and Facebook. But, a few brave souls have made the journey and return victourious, to flaunt their signal strength as a badge of honor.

I have had the honor of being related to one valiant adventurer who survived the quest, my mother. Starbucks will make you pay for internet access, but using all her wits and cunning she dodged the sticks of dynamite, automated blowpipes, and swinging axes to emerge from the maze with her wireless connection held aloft. This was probably the high-point of her month. She had outwitted the devious god of the no-signal-can-be-detected-zones without the loss of so much as one USB port.

But then again, I can't really make fun of these people because at the moment I am siting with my laptop precariously balanced on the arm of my chair, forcing me to type one-handedly wile my computer teeters on the edge of the precipice, in a desperate attempt to boost my signal.

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Forget the treadmill, stack cups instead

Let us take a brief moment to reminisce about ye olde P.E. classes. Remember games of dodge-ball, calisthenics, and rope climbing? Those activities have become relics of a forgotten past. Dodge-ball is a forbidden "contact sport," not even the gym teachers have the energy to make it through the calisthenics, and with the child obesity epidemic rope-climbing has been declared cruel and unusual punishment (of the ropes). "So" you ask "what kind of kinds of strenuous and challenging physical workouts are todays children being subjected to?" the short answer is that they aren't. Instead we have lessons in cup-stacking.

This means exactly what it says. We receive lessons in how to stack up plastic cups into various formations, as fast as we possible can. Maybe I am missing some hidden value, such as the fact that cup-stacking promotes a valuable skill which no one who doesn't have the right security clearance can know about. Or maybe we are being trained in manual dexterity so that we will be able to put together happy meals with extreme precision. But then again there is a much more obvious reason: our parents are promoting cup stacking because it trains us in the proper use of our fingers, a skill which will allow us to win 25,000 dollars in a text-messaging contest.

Another mark of this sport's absurdity is that one can purchase special cups online which come in their very own padded carrying case. Soon there will be display cases containing slivers of wood from "the tables I have stacked on."

that's all I have time for right now because I'm in training and those cups won't stack themselves.

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